Babies: the ultimate weight loss tool

Now that I have a toddler, I look back with fondness at the baby days for many different reasons, but today, as I sadly admitted defeat when the button of my favourite pair of jeans stubbornly refused to fasten, I am thinking particularly of those heady first few months when, against everything I believed before having a baby, I was actually losing weight and looking good!

If you don’t believe this is possible, here are just some of the reasons why the first few months with a baby can actually help you to shed some pounds without any effort on your part. And you still get to eat biscuits.

  • Your baby will only fall asleep if you have them tied to your chest in a sling and you bounce, jiggle or, in the case of my bundle of joy, perform deep squats on repeat (a serious workout for the glutes).
  • They always choose the worst time to fall asleep without the aforementioned jiggling, like in your arms just as the sandwich you have prepared is just out of reach, leaving you to stare longingly at it while they have the longest nap they’ve had to date.
  • Despite looking forward to wine for 9 months, when the baby is born, you realise that you still can’t drink any because you now have a tiny person attached to your boob 24/7 and so the binge session has to wait a bit longer.
  • You walk round and round and round and round your local park/estate/block to get the baby to sleep and then to keep them asleep.
  • They will keep you awake half the night until you feel sick from exhaustion and couldn’t possibly put any food in your mouth. Besides, you have no energy left to chew.
  • Breastfeeding. Obviously. I developed my terrible biscuit addiction during the early days of breastfeeding when all of the calories I consumed disappeared straight out of my boobs, but unfortunately haven’t been able to stop eating them since.
  • You meet the best mum mates at postnatal fitness classes. There’s no way to sit in the corner and pretend to be invisible or quietly skulk in and out. Plus a workout gets the endorphins going, so everyone is in a great and receptive mood at the end of the class. You also have the time to go to these classes because you can take your baby along too. No-one wants a roomful of toddlers in an exercise class.
  • The endless stream of visitors will eat all of your biscuits. Bastards. Do none of them read those helpful articles on what you should bring a new mum? You bring food, you bring tea, you look after the baby while mum sleeps, and you leave. The end. None of my visitors had consulted the manual before arriving biscuit-less, hungry and with no intention of taking over the endless rocking/squatting or passing me my sandwich.

Any more to add to the list?

Exercise bike with baby
Me and Beanie on an exercise bike. Natch.